Sunday, May 15, 2011


Several years ago, I had the honor of being one of the speakers at a roast of one of my peers and good friends. I have it on tape, and watching it, just now, prompts me to post it.
The name "Jack" is, of course, fictitious.

"Those of you who are aware of Jack's personal proclivities, undoubtedly shared my sigh of relief when I arrived here, tonight, and found that he had elected to come dressed as a man.

You are, however, unaware that he, several years back, was indicted for sodomy of a minor, under the age of six months. He, understandingly, chose to represent himself.
When the prosecution rested it's case, and the Judge nodded at him, indicating that it was now time for him to present a defense, Jack stood directly in front of the jury, and exposed himself.
He asked that his penis be marked as Defense Exhibit "A".
He, then, requested and received permission to pass it among the jurors.
He was ultimately acquitted on the ground that it was physically impossible for him to have effectuated penetration.

Allow me to reveal another deeply kept secret. Jack was born, one of twins.
They weren't ordinary twins---they were Siamese twins.
His father took one look at them and said, "Let's drown the ugly one", and that's how Jack learned to swim.
To further complicate matters, these were not twins joined at the hip, they were joined at the genitalia.
A furious, world wide search was commenced by his family, to locate a surgeon who specialized in this required type of separation.
At last, they found one whose skills were commensurate with the task at hand, and the procedure was performed.
Unfortunately, let us say that equity was not effectuated.
Which is why, to this very day, Jack is affectionately referred to, at least for identification purposes, as the BIG schmuck.

At the peak of his career, there was an uproar in the media, alleging that the State's Prison food was being dosed with saltpeter, in an attempt to suppress rampant homosexual activity. Jack volunteered to go undercover, as an inmate, and thoroughly investigate the situation.
Six months went by, and, no word from Jack.
When it was learned that he had been elected "Miss Collegiality" by the general population, it was decided to get him out of there---fast!
And, what an ugly scene it was; lifting and dragging him out, amidst his incessant screaming,"Let me go, let me go--I'm in love, I'm in love."

                                        It was a fun night, and nobody laughed harder than Jack.

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