Thursday, June 23, 2011


Everyday, you are the recipient of one-liners which have, apparently, become linguistic symbols. Even assuming that they are uttered with the best of intentions, they tend to drive me nuts, which doesn't require that much gas. Therefore, I shall set forth the slogans of which I complain along with my suggested responses which, if steadfastly adhered to, shall, slowly but surely, act as adhesive mouth-tape.

The person talks in question marks. After every few words, "okay" is inserted. Every time this happens, interrupt with "it's okay with me."

"Do I look like I'm walking into the men's room?"

"How did you know I was having a colonoscopy this afternoon?"

"You mean with my case of the clap?"

"Better to think of the end of the lay."

"Dammit, I won't! I won't!"----each and every time.
An awkward segue, to be sure, but I've exhausted my list and shall, therefore, revisit the legal arena.
A criminal defense attorney can't win 'em all. When he loses a heavy case, it is quite possible that the client will wind up in state's prison. Your first visit to him can be most awkward. Knowing you did your best is no solace to him. He's on a long stretch to nowhere. In such a situation, I would usually address him thusly:

"John, I can only imagine how depressed you must be. But, I want you to know that I have already filed an appeal to the Massachusetts Appeals Court and, failing that, I shall make further appeal to the Supreme Judicial Court, the highest court in the state. And, if necessary, I shall file a Writ of Certiorari with the United States Supreme Court. In short, John, I shall leave no legal stone unturned in my efforts to free you.
In the meantime, however, I advise you to carry on with your plans to escape!"
'Till next time, I leave you, my readers, with this question. Ponder it carefully. The winner T/B/A. In the case of a tie, a tie shall be awarded.

In Shakespeare's MacBeth, when Lady MacBeth cries out,"Out, dammed spot!", why does she want the dog to leave?

1 comment:

  1. The stand-up comic in you is making a reappearance. Not that he's ever far away!